We all feel the emotion of anger from time to time in our lives, and it is normal.
The feeling of anger in a relationship is not uncommon either. In fact, it can bring unresolved issues to the surface that have been suppressed for a long time. However, anger is not healthy. it can go out of control if you don’t know how to manage it and react strongly toward your partner. As a result, it can damage your relationship, your health, and your happiness.
Knowing how to control anger in a relationship can save you and your partner who you care deeply about. Dealing with anger can be a make-or-break deal for a relationship. So don’t settle for screaming, shouting, or slamming doors. Let’s figure out why we get angry and how we can control it over time.
Why Do I Feel So Angry in Relationships?
Just to be clear that anger is not a bad emotion. Sometimes it is necessary in a relationship to notice things that aren’t fair or appropriate. It’s a normal bodily reaction for a safety measure to warn you of a bad situation. Anger can be aroused when a value violation happens, Such is disloyalty or infidelity in a relationship. However, getting angry on frequent bases can be hurtful to your health and your over all relationship.
Here are the 3 main reasons why you feel this emotion.
1. You Feel Strongly About Something
Most of the time we mistake anger for feeling strongly about something as truth. For example if we have strong opinions about politics, support or certain subjects, we react strongly and may get angry as we feel that that’s the ultimate truth.
2. Coverup For Underly Issue
Also anger sometimes could be cover up for the underlying issues or being resentful. Or maybe something happened during the day that can lead you to burst out on your partner. It is very normal in a relationship that we take anger out on our loved one, without knowing that we built up anger to this point. Or sometimes minor things pile up from the past conversation and at this point you lose it. And the chances are your partner has no clue why you are upset.
3. You Developed Destructive Patterns
Anger caused by thought patterns are often destructive. You might never notice that you are thinking in a particular way. And every time you end up being angry.
The most important part of learning how to control anger and frustration in a relationship is identifying your triggers and then coming up with strategic ways to react. Notice in your thinking or conversation what sort of language and words you are using.
The very step would be to identify thought patterns and then break the cycle.
There are the top 4 language patterns which mostly lead to such destructive cycle:
- Generalizing: Saying that your partner ALWAYS does something, or NEVER does something. (“You NEVER take out the trash” or “You ALWAYS cut me off when I’m speaking”).
- Blaming: Your first reaction is to externalize blame when something goes wrong. You may blame your partner for things that happen to you instead of taking responsibility. (If you leave your phone on a bus, you blame your partner for distracting you).
- Mind reading: Assuming that your partner is purposefully hurting you, ignoring you, or upsetting you. (If your partner doesn’t do the dishes, you assume that they are avoiding them as a way to get back at you).
- Looking for the final straw: Actively looking for things to be upset about or only focusing on negative things. Often, this occurs one small thing at a time, until you reach the “final straw” and explode.
The good news is, once you recognize this, half of the problem is solved, and the 2nd half would be a lot easier to work with.
How To Overcome Anger in Relationship?
Being in control of your emotions can make a big difference in your relationship.
The following tips will help you to break the cycle of the anger that might be keeping you and your partner from growing together. If you work on those two issues, you can almost change overnight.
1. Look Beyond The Problems
Anger always has some triggers and cues which can lead to such strong emotional outbursts. As individuals, certain topics can be triggered for us. These topics could be finance, politics, regions, parenting, or even family drama or conflicting values among partners. It’s very easy to have stronger reactions to such topics than displaying your opinion in a calm manner. So rather losing your emotions and bust out of anger shift your focus back to responding as maturely as possibly you can.
Act with Maturity
In a certain situation, whenever you feel anger emotions rising up, try to slow down and take a moment to react. Ask yourself how your best version of you would react in this situation? This practice will give you more understanding of yourself and your emotional reaction. The process may take time, but consistency is the key. Maturity means that you are not letting your emotions run you. Rather you take charge of yourself and react responsibly. Act as you expect the best version of you will do.
Sometimes you might feel overwhelmed by the amount of anger in your relationship. Remember that you are the 50% of the equation. If you are calmer and mature, your relationship will get calmer and mature. Your partner will automatically raise their maturity.
Or maybe you realized the relationship is not working for you. With this way, you become aware of yourself and get in charge of your life.
You can also try below for getting in charge of your life:
- Come out of your head
- Active listening
- Avoid self-defense
- Take time out and relax your mind
- Do meditation – for emotional control
2. Focus on Managing Yourself (And Not Your Partner)
When our loved ones are upset or angry with us, we often try to soothe them as soon as possible. Which is ok. Also remember we cannot control someone’s thoughts, behaviors and emotions. They are in charge of themselves. And similarly we are responsible for our own thoughts, behavior and emotions. No one has the right to change us until we allow them.
We are Incharge of Our Emotions
Now remember that the emotions of anger are also generated within us, hence we are incharge of changing the behaviour.
Our mind generates the thought, which triggers emotions and we get into anger as a behavior. So when you find yourself in that situation where you see yourself getting into an angry cycle, calm yourself by taking a deep breath or count from 5 to 1. Which will break the cycle of thought patterns.
Initially you might notice that it’s hard to find your cues or before you know it you are angry and in an unwanted state. The soonest you remember, decide to calm down. With practice and time you will get to the core of it. And there will be time that you know when the emotion or thought is coming in. and you are in control to allow yourself to get calm and not run your emotions or behaviors.
Contact us
If you face any difficulty releasing this emotion then don’t worry we got your back. Contact us or call an export Shakila Khattak, a life coach and therapist in timeline to work on those emotions which are stuck in time. Once those emotions get released, you will be out of the anger cycle with no time.
Remember life is another name of change and improvement to become a better human. Take control of yourself. You are stronger than you think you are.